Month Five, Day Two

[wintergrey]

Last chance to fill out this survey if you haven't yet. I'm not involved in any way other than having taken it myself. I'm wintergrey over at AO3, btw. I haven't put much up, but there I am. :)


I took the OTW Community Survey!

So, now let me know how your writing is going today! :)

Poll #10350

Open to: Registered Users, detailed results viewable to: All, participants: 7

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Today, in fanfic, I...

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wrote.
5 (71.4%)

edited.
2 (28.6%)

researched.
1 (14.3%)

outlined.
1 (14.3%)

plotted.
2 (28.6%)

daydreamed.
4 (57.1%)

read about writing.
0 (0.0%)

wrote about writing.
0 (0.0%)

talked about writing.
0 (0.0%)

did none of the above, and that's okay.
0 (0.0%)

did something I might share with you in comments.
1 (14.3%)

My goals for today...

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Mean: 5.14 Median: 5 Std. Dev 2.64

laughed in my face. 1		0 (0.0%)
2		2 (28.6%)
3		1 (14.3%)
4		0 (0.0%)
5		1 (14.3%)
6		0 (0.0%)
7		0 (0.0%)
8		3 (42.9%)
9		0 (0.0%)
cried for their mommy. 10		0 (0.0%)

Comments

[crowdog66]

I wrote about 1200 words on the last chapter of a story, got to within 500 or so words of finishing the damned thing -- and suffered a total self-esteem collapse. I'm in one of those "my writing sucks/everybody hates it/why do I even bother?" moods, and even though I'm so close to the end I don't have the heart to go on writing, because although people seem to be reading the damned fic on AO3 nobody has given a kudo or commented, which I'm taking to mean that the story just plain sucks.

(Mind you, this is in a fandom where kudos and comments are hard to come by, but still, it's immensely discouraging.)

This heartsick misery is just awful. Does anyone else know what I'm talking about?

[wintergrey]

Oh, dear. ALL the time. I wrote this just the other day:

RL has sucked, my work has sucked, but fanfic has been lovely for the last few days.

I am, however, having a bit of "I'm shite, my work is shite, I can't write, everything I do is terrible, I'm deluding myself, this is awful"... well, always, but particularly now. I haven't written anything solo in so long (up until this year) and I'm just fighting that "this is a terrible waste of my time and I'm a terrible person for doing it and I'm getting it all wrong" thing, you know?

Once I'm in the groove of writing, I can say "yes, this is writing the way I write, and that is good, carry on". It's picking up writing at all after this huge absence that leaves me cold.

I have days where I feel like a particularly notorious hijacker who pulled a gun on a crowded plane in order to force people to listen to his poetry. It feels horrible, but not writing feels worse, I tell myself. It does, too.

[crowdog66]

Thanks for the kind words... and oh, I so TOTALLY get the hijacker feeling. And the fact that no matter how much I think it sucks, not writing and not sharing it feels even worse than the self-doubt.

I'm going to try to drag my ass into gear enough to finish the piece I've almost completed. If I do that I can post it, and once I've posted it I can let it go; otherwise it'll be a weight on my shoulders that I just can't shake.

[kayjayuu]

I totally know this. I often find encouragement by going back in my writing and looking at stuff from years ago, even stuff that wasn't fantastic, and being able to look at it with almost fresh eyes. I've seen so many things that make me think, "damn, I wrote that? That's good!" It makes me believe in myself.

Of course, it also makes me want to finish that particular piece if it isn't done, so...

[kayjayuu]

I did not get to writing yesterday, my husband hijacked my time. Seeing that today is our anniversary -- I can't be too upset.

Hoping to do some writing tonight since I stay up much longer than he does, so I'll have a little alone time. Until then, I'll enjoy a great dinner out and soak up ambiance and experience for future reference. XD

[crowdog66]

That's a really good suggestion. :) I've done that in the past; this time, though, it's insecurity about recent writing and it seems to be tied in with my treatment-resistant depression, so there might be no cure for it except time and gentle handling.

Thank you for the input! It's greatly appreciated.

[wintergrey]

Depression + writing insecurities are the pits, I really feel you there. For me, it eats at my identity when I can't write, dragging me down further. I'm a writer. This is my freakin' job. And I suck at it way too often for my liking.

Sometimes, I just have to assume a position of hopelessness and go from there. I just accept that I feel like this, because what can I do about it? It's terrible, no one will read it, but I must write it anyway, because I refuse to lose being a writer (even a bad writer). Writing becomes a little act of defiance for me—usually, the stuff I write at that point IS terrible, but I don't read it again in case it brings back how shitty I felt when I was writing it, so there's no loss. Shouting into the void really is okay.

[wintergrey]

That sounds awesome. Call it research! Hey, being married is research, too. *g* Happy anniversary!

[lullabymoon]

Wrote just over 550 words for my sgagenfic today and it was relatively easy. This bunny is definitely going much better than the other one: I'm looking forward to writing it, I know where it is going and it's not like pulling teeth. Still going to have to do a huge amount tomorrow if I want to get the rough draft in for art matching, but I'm feeling a lot more confident about it now.

[roane]

Since I posted a chapter last night, today is kind of a regrouping day, pulling together what scenes belong for sure in the next chapter, running things past my idea bouncers, that sort of thing.

I've also poked a few sticks at a crossover collaboration I'm planning with a friend. I'm VERY excited about it--although I suspect it may be one of those things that doesn't get much of an audience. (But it might--crossover aside, we're kind of fixing a few issues in one of the shows that a lot of folks took issue with.)

But we're having a ball planning for it, and an artist friend of ours has done some cast sketches, which just fuels the excitement. :)

[crowdog66]

UPDATE! I finished and posted the fourth and final chapter of "Ache", even though it just about killed me. *collapses and waves feebly from the ground* Hurrah... hurrah...

[insignia]

I had some vague shippy thoughts. That is the extent of today's progress ^_^;

[wintergrey]

\o/ Good for you!

[electric_butterfly]

I didn't write anything today. Barely even thought
about it. :/ I did, however, get a favorite for
one of the WIPs I listed for this month. Such
things can help even if there are no guarantees.